


Smile like you mean it

by paradiso



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Family, Friendship, Gen, i have so many Carisi/Rollins friendship feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:25:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5077711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradiso/pseuds/paradiso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carisi and Rollins talk secrets and sisters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smile like you mean it

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t really know when Amanda got pregnant, but I’m gonna pretend that she’s not when this takes place (post-Surrendering Noah) only because I don’t think she’d drink alcohol if she knew she was pregnant.

Sonny Carisi had very, very few secrets.

It was a good thing he had going, he thought. Secrets made people all sick and twisted inside, he saw the evidence of that every week day at his job and every weekend visiting his family. So he resolved to have as few secrets as possible.

It was a part he was used to playing. Sonny had been the least fucked up guy in the room since, well, birth. His parents drove each other crazy, his sisters fanned the flames with their short-skirt wearing/convict-boyfriend-having/new-Ford-Focus-crashing – Sonny was the normal one at home.

Growing up on Staten wasn’t cakewalk, but he managed. He liked books and soccer and his mother’s cooking more than alcohol and smoking by the tracks. Later in life, he spent many a post-drill bar gathering with fellow academy recruits watching them knock back several shots before proceeding to divulge entire memoirs worth of alimony wars, absent fathers, two-timing girlfriends. When it came his turn to unload the proverbial chip on his shoulder, Sonny would kind of shrug and then order another round of whatever. It was uncomfortable, but not in a debilitating way, and besides, no one remembered anything the day after.

SVU, Sonny quietly mused, was like if the members of the Breakfast Club never found each other, went on leading miserable lives with even more depressing developments tossed in, ended up in some unspeakably bleak timeline and then were suddenly thrown together on a police squad. They were all almost as messed up as the people they interrogated every day.

He wasn’t privy to all the details of course, but they all reeked of secrets.

“To family,” Fin said and _Haha_ , Sonny thought, because most families are pretty psychotic and this one _especially so_.

He was standing sort of in between Rollins and Amaro – midway.  Like, if Nick had wanted to put his arm around her, he would’ve probably knocked Sonny in the face but also, if they went in for a group hug, Sonny would’ve been squeezed out and forced to awkwardly wrap his impressive arm-span around a good third of the squad. He didn’t know why people hated group hugs so much, objectively they looked kind of silly but they weren’t as terrible as people always made them out to be.

Soon after the brief toast, he watched as the others drifted off into their little sub-cliques – Rollins fussing over Amaro with Fin affectionately mocking the latter, Liv and Barba standing together by the kitchen just barely leaning into each others shoulders (hmmm)… that left Sonny and the babysitter. Which would’ve been fine, she was young, cute, with sort of homely features – his type actually.

It was going well, the two of them on the floor again with Noah – except for that he couldn’t exactly remember her name. The introductions at the beginning of the evening had been brief. It was something with two syllables, just as cute as she was… Lindsay, Laurie…

“How long have you been a detective?” she asked, eyes darting away from Noah for just a moment.

“Not long. Two years.”

“Liv’s never mentioned you.”

“I’m new. Bounced around a lot before then,” he smiled, but it nagged at him so much he lost his concentration and started to space out as she continued talking.

He knew he should’ve appreciated having even been invited to the small gathering, but it still felt like Olivia had done it out of obligation. He could tell by the way every casual interaction he had with the squad went stale fast, after only a few sentences it became him struggling to keep the conversation going, and them nodding politely at his attempts.

“Sonny?”

“Huh?”

He looked up, then down in his lap where Noah had taken a sudden and ambitious interest in his wristwatch. The babysitter was standing above him.

“Sorry,” said Sonny, “What was that?” 

“I asked if you wanted another drink?”

“A drink?” he took a moment, “No thanks, I had one already – it’s around here.”

“The champagne? That was an hour ago.”

He gulped. That was his first secret. Sonny Carisi couldn’t hold his liquor.

“I’m uh, good.”

She looked like she wanted to touch his arm again, like she’d been doing all afternoon, but instead she wandered off for her drink. He wondered if the others had noticed them talking over Noah. He swept the room. Nope. They were all still very involved in their own little conversations.

“Looks like you and me are the last picks,” Sonny handed Noah an oversized red building block, “And you don’t even speak English.”

Noah gurgled happily in response.

“Rub it in why don’t ya?” but he said it with a smile.

“He’s not giving you a hard time now is he?” Amanda sat down on the half of the white loveseat that Sonny wasn’t sitting against.

“I can handle a baby, Rollins,” said Sonny without taking his eyes from Noah.

“I meant Noah,” she leaned forward and patted the not-quite-a-toddler’s-head, “He’s not forcing powdered confectionaries on you now is he?”

Sonny snorted, “Where’s Nick?”

She waved the hand that wasn’t firmly grasping her glass of red wine, “Back there somewhere with Fin.”

The evening news helicopter appeared off above a building in the distance, noisily making its way south and with it went Noah’s curiosity. He scrambled over to the glass sliding door leading out to the balcony, Sonny in tow, gently directing him so he didn’t run into ny side tables that happened to be rudely obstructing the child’s path. Sonny picked him up so he could see the chopper disappear ahead in the distance.

“You’re alright, kid,” said Amanda, having made it to the window only slightly less wobbly than Noah had been.

“Do you mean me or Noah?” Sonny said dryly.

“Oh, Noah’s been a hit from the start,” she giggled, a little more mirthfully than she would have three drinks ago, “Did you try this?” she tipped her glass towards him.

“No.”

“It’s good. I forget what it’s called, but there should be some more by the kitchen.”

“Thanks, but I’m alright,” he bounced Noah a bit, “We’re okay here, aren’t we?”

“You’re good with him.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, “I can _handle_ a baby,” he said again.

“Alright, alright, sorry. Nice to see something come so naturally to you, Carisi.”

“What, you mean because being a detective is something I’ve had to work on?”

“That’s not−“

He raised a hand to stop her, “I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m the new guy, I get it. I’ve been the new guy like four times in the past two years, you have permission to razz me.”

She looked sheepish as she took another gulp of wine, “I only meant that you’ve never talked about kids. And you talk a _lot_. I just would’ve never guessed.”

“I have no particular plans, if that’s what you’re getting at,” he blew softly on Noah’s forehead to keep a stray chunk of brown hair out of his eyes, “But I like kids. My sister’s−“

“Pregnant. I remember. Bella, right?”

“Uh huh. She’s the youngest girl, so it’s kind of surprise. The two older ones clucked their tongues at her, but I think they’re just jealous.”

“You have three sisters?” she raised her eyebrows when he nodded and took another swig, “I can barely handle the one that I’ve got.”

“Y’see… that’s your problem."

She looked at him sharply, or she would have if her eyes didn’t feel like they were just swimming around in their sockets, loosened with alcohol, “Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I don’t know much but there’s rumours, about your sister.”

“Yeah,” she let out a breathy laugh, “So what do you mean?”

“Well, my mom had four of us because she was an only child growing up and that was rough on her. I get that. And it’s all fine and good if your siblings grow up to be dependable and all that… like you, Rollins,” he looked directly into Noah’s eyes as he said it, “But you can’t control the people your siblings turn out to be.”

Amanda coughed, suddenly uncomfortable with how serious the conversation had become. It wasn’t that Sonny had been steering it in that direction the entire time, but a consequence of having very few secrets and always saying exactly what was on your mind was that it often made people uncomfortable. In fact, he wondered if the whole point of keeping secrets was to just make people feel safe for as long as possible.  

He seemed to pick up on her discomfort, “Hey, what do I know?”

“You seem to know a lot,” she said quietly, “About sisters.”

“A thing or two maybe… you’re upset. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Carisi, it’s fine,” she said firmly, rattling a bit, wine sloshing around in her glass, “Should be used to shit getting around the precinct… Nick tell you?”

Sonny said nothing, sensing that he was edging into _very_ dangerous territory. He glanced at Nick, who had been looking over at them every once in a while and trying hard not to make it that obvious.

_And failing miserably,_ Sonny thought to himself but politely looked away so as to allow Nick to continue being antsy from across the room about the conversation that was happening between his sort-of-used-to-be-girlfriend and the newest squad member.

“He may’ve mentioned. Only because it was around the time all the stuff went down with Tommy’s case.”

“Mhm,” was her only response.

She looked sad. She looked sad a lot in general, but it didn’t put her that out of place at work – if anything, _he_ was out of place at work for not being sad all the time. But here in her dress with her hair down, Sonny felt obliged to do something about it 

“Here,” he said, shaking her out of a daze. He shifted Noah around in his arms and nodded at her glass of wine, “Let’s trade.”

She looked sceptical but was ultimately somewhat charmed by this kind-of-alright Sonny Carisi that had been standing next to the window with for almost a half hour now, “Okay,” she agreed, putting out one arm to support Noah.

Sonny plucked the wine glass out of her hand and smiled at her. She pressed a soft kiss to Noah’s hair and then grinned crookedly, “Your turn.”

He looked down into the wine glass a moment before taking a sip from the side that wasn’t stained with pinkish lipstick.

“It’s good. But I think I got ripped off.”

“No take-backs,” she laughed, all her attention on Noah, “I’ve never held him before. He’s so… squishy. And soft.”

Fin called at them, “Stop hogging him you two. C’mon, let the kid’s mother have a turn.”

Olivia beamed, “Oh trust me, I’ll get plenty of chances to be a mother throughout the night. Sometimes even twice the same hour.”

Regardless, Sonny and Amanda walked over to re-join the group. Somewhat reluctantly, Amanda put Noah down so that he could crawl around freely.

“Here,” Sonny sidled up next to her, “You can have your wine back.”

“Poor substitute,” she said wistfully, probably wouldn’t have said it all had she been more sober.

“Know something,” he lowered his voice and looked from the glass to her face pointedly, “You’d be doing me a favour. I can’t hold my liquor.”

She squinted, a glint in her eye, “Aren’t you Italian? Didn’t they put this stuff in your bottle?”

“Three-quarters. Three-quarters Italian. And I object to that stereotype.”

“You brought zeppole in your first day,” she scoffed but then looked a little guilty, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Relax. I don’t object _that_ hard. I guess I should be more into wine.”

“I’m into it enough for the both of us,” she took the glass from his hand and finished the rest in one gulp.”

Then she smiled. And he noticed that even when she smiled, she looked sad. How could that be? Maybe the small eyes, or the way her shoulders sort of drooped inwards towards her body... 

_Whoa Carisi, that’s enough observation_ , he told himself. He checked to make sure no one had been watching him as she made her way back to Nick’s side, gently placing her hand on his bicep as they spoke in low tones.

Later, Sonny allowed them to slip into the back of his mind as he helped Olivia package food, “Why not just keep the cupcakes?”

“All twelve of them?” she plopped two into a white takeaway box.

“Sure. Have one every day in the morning. Breakfast.”

She looked like she was about to laugh but then stopped herself when she realized he was totally serious, “Well that’s why put four a box for you. The most important meal of the day. I take care of my detectives.”

“He needs it too,” Fin said without looking up from tying his oxfords, “Metabolism of an antelope, that one." 

“You said you’d stop making fun of my–“

“Girlish figure?” Fin finished.

“ _Frame,_ ” Sonny flicked the top of Fin’s box closed and walked the short distance to the foyer to deliver it to him, “My frame.”

“Don’t count on it,” Olivia called.

It was crowded in the foyer, with Amanda helping Nick with his sweater, Barba trying to keep Noah awake for just a few more minutes, and the babysitter – something with an _L,_ definitely – was standing against a wall, possibly making doe-eyes at Sonny who couldn’t quite make out her expression in the half light. 

He tried squinting at her to get a closer look which didn’t help, but probably _did_ have something to do with the way Barba came up behind him while putting on a scarf that wasn’t even necessary in this weather and whispered, “It’s Lucy, in case you’d forgotten.”

_Right._

“Goodnight detective,” she said.

“Yeah, night,” he gave her a smile, somehow not noticing the way she seemed to linger a bit in the doorway, at last exiting along with Barba, the latter raising his eyebrows at Sonny before disappearing.

He was pulled out of his uncharacteristic, still lightly tipsy daze by the conversation taking place behind him.

“I can take him Amanda.”

“Are you sure? He can get kind of fussy this late.”

“I’m _not_ fussy. And stop it both of you, I’m a grown man. I can deal with crutches.”

Fin put his hands up and backed away to allow Nick to pass, Olivia pecking his cheek as he did, eyes misty.

“See you around little man,” Nick reached out to touch the unresponsive Noah, exhausted from the day’s engagements, “Night Liv.”

“See ya,” said Sonny, also backing up against a wall to create room for Nick and Fin.

Amanda approached the door last. She stopped in front of Sonny as he pulled on his light denim jacket.

“Hey sorry if I said anything that made you feel weird,” she said, too-long fringe falling into her eyes, “Drank a bit too quickly.”

“You didn’t. No worries,” _again_ he couldn’t just leave it like that, not without doing something to make her feel better, “You know… I think Barba just tried to be my wingman." 

She laughed. Hard and full and so loud that even Olivia who was cooing to Noah glanced sideways at them. It was a bit stiff, probably from lack of use, but it was a good, clear laugh and infectious too, because without realizing it he was grinning as well.

When it eventually faded into her customary half smile, he felt like saying something along the lines of _If you ever need to talk_ or _I hope you know, everything’s gonna work out for you_ but he stopped himself. They weren’t there yet.

“Goodnight, Sonny." 

A start.

 

**fin**

 

October 2015


End file.
